so for once, once, i feel completely left out of the "game" those friends, who are always supposed to call..

didn't, not that i would have really expected any differently, i feel as those, i guess, people really did move on, and move away, and those who i could hold onto and wanted to hold on back, did...

and because i have decided not to go out so much because i was becoming something i am not, than, i am home, early, and wanting to be out, but thats how that goes.

and those who jump back into my life, only to leave as quickly as they came back in, are just there to fuck with my head and i'm not sure why i deserve this. for awhile, i felt as if i did something that meant that when something bad happened, it was supposed to happen, now, as i have entered the realm of thinking that most things are pretty random, i just have to take it as it is, and hopefully turn it into something better.

but there is a smorgasboard within me, that misses people at the same time as i am beginning to really enjoy people, and as i'm beginning to forget people, they pop back up and then are easily forgotten again, what used to fuck me up for a few days, has become a small bruise that is easily ignored...

either, i've gained some clarity, or i'm just realizing the full scope of lonelines in the midst of all the people around me, all the phone calls i make, and all the people i talk too about nothing, adds up to a night of sitting in front of this computer, as i try to stop myself from making any text messages or calls...

because sometimes its okay when you're not invited and i was never a fan of awkward behavior anyhow...which is mainly what i exhibit before i get a few beers in me...

i forget that the need to write comes from my need to express myself in a way that is completely anonymous and carries my name at the same time...just as i want people to read this random shit and then i just want it to be left alone.

i need a place to just say these certain things, things that i'm not expressing in any other fashion, because the people who used to be my sounding board, are either mean to me (don't care really what happens to me, either way) or they are trying to forget me because i can't exactly be with them at this point, when maybe we shouldnt' have been together back then, so we could be together now.

just cause i need him.

anyhow....

back&forth