oka....

so it's pretty apparent after this weekend that sometimes i need to keep my mouth shut, this is a good realization, one that only i can reach one million times without it ever sinkin' in....but this may be different, because in fact, i have never really lost anything before because of my asshole mouth and i may have done it this time.

well, not that i'm really worried about it, the person i may have lost has had little positive impact on my life in the past, oh i don't know, YEAR. so, what the fuck ever...

but what's more is that i just confronted the one person i never confront and it ended up exactly the way i thought it would, in silence. nothing to say, nowhere to go, no way to mend. we are "see you in a month" semi-friends, the kind that only gets along for a short period before everything is remembered about why i didn't like this person in the first place.

so that's that.

i started my new job this week, which i really like. but i'm still feeling immensely guilty about not having talked to people, like stella and jessica, people i need to call more, but it just seems like it's an endless round of phone tag, and i just hate it, i like to leave messages, but i also like phone calls. connections, that buzzed feeling i get when i put down the phone after a whirlwind conversation....in fact, i live and breathe people, the more i realize it. and thats why my self-imposed silence today, was especially good. tommorrow it will go back to normal and i'll try to put in some phone calls.

until then, however, i'm resigned to reading, taking a hot bath and trying to relax, while almost living alone and trying to figure out where my love life is going...

i think the walls in my apartment are too white... i think thats what bugs me, sometimes, about being here for long periods by myself...i just want to splash them with color, in every direction and i'm still trying to figure out how to do that...

it's a metaphor for my life, really.

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