okay.

here goes.

a lot has gone on in my life since i stopped typing. i just didn't get the urge anymore to share my story, who i am, or anything about me anymore because sometimes i just don't like that person. me. whoever i am.

i fuck up, i do stupid things, act weird, and just generally go through life with little handle on what is goin to happen next.

but who does? right...sure.

anyhow. so just as i think my life has reached its ultimate boredom, someone hits the panic button and i'm running around.

now i have to spend loads of time with my grandmother, which is fine, but she depresses the hell out of me. it's true. she knows who i am, but she knows little about me. it's a good day, when she doesn't call me tammy and i just try to be there whenever she needs anything, but i'm just keeping up the physical. mentally, i don't know what can be done for her. and i love her. she's made quite an impression on me, that i didn't even realize until recently. but damn. i just don't want to get old.

but what i really feel like is that i'm acting like everyone else right now.

i'm making sure all this shit gets done at my house cause apparently my dad can't handle it.

and i'm making sure everything is alright at my aunt's house where my grandma is...and it's like okay. well, when do i get to figure out if my shit gets done.

cause, frankly its not.

all these lofty goals i always have for the summer, haven't quite turned out the way i wanted them too and i have little time to reverse the project.

two weeks, give or take a few days and a few of that has to be moving into my new house. which is super exciting. but will cost me money.

then my car is dumb right now. no one knows what is wrong with it and what is wrong is very inconsistent. so i'm sure i'll have to pay for some of that.

and ontop of all these supposed responsibilities, my dad got engaged.

sure, sure, congratulations.

but to who?

to me, it just seems like it's going to cost him alot of money.

thats what it's all about i suppose.

and i don't want my dad to be lonely, i want him to have someone to hang out with and be happy.

but its alot to take in. alot is going to change, and usually in my family when someone drops a bomb it all happens real fast.

and nothing has happened, this time, so i'm taking this time to freak out and try to deal with all these emotions on my own.

but it's not easy. i don't know shit about having a stepperson in my life, who won't be my mother, but is married to my dad. i mean, what kind of weird shit is this?

and my real mom doesn't know yet.

and jesus, if she finds out, i don't want to talk to her about it.

i mean she predicted this....

which is good and bad for her, i suppose.

and because of all the time i've been spending with my grandma, i'm preoccupied with death. my death, her death, my parent's deaths.

i'm afraid she'll just die and i'm there, and what am i supposed to do.

there's little chance that she will, but at 85, i suppose, you could just go. whenever.

i dont' understand this shit.

i suppose its only natural.

or something.

but this whole fear things seeps into everything else.

and i'm left just paralyzed in my room, waiting for someone to just randomly come up there and kill me for no apparent reason at all.

i mean, what is that?

what i thought was normal, just isn't and never will be again, i suppose.

normal is always change.

i have 8 tons of laundry to do, which just proves that i can never be a house-person. just sit there and do laundry all day long.

but at least i'm part of someone's sanity.

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