when it comes down to it.

there are certain things that i want for my life.

and i'm just starting to figure it all out.

i don't want to work at a mindless job just to make money if it doesn't give me anything to take home for my soul.

i don't even want to work a mindless volunteer job, which for some people may help them get into heaven (they think), but for me it just brings me closer to hell.

and creating a world i don't want to live in.

so a few things that i want.

i want choice.

choices with everything

what i eat.

what i wear

where i work

where i live

who i am friends with

and who i pick up the phone for.

who i love

who i learn to love, despite themselves

and to love myself, despite myself.

and it's pretty simple.

i feel like a caged animal and so i've shut down to a degree. i work, but i don't play that much. i volunteer, but that thing that people get out of it cause it's good...i don't get that here.

i've already judged the entire situation. the program, how it works, and what doesn't work about it.

and frankly i don't need any more time in this office to figure that out.

i don't feel miserable, i just feel blank.

i don't wanna wake up and when i do...

the tv comes on and it just sorta never goes off.

as you can see my motivation is lacking.

it's a goregous day outside. and that's where i want to be. i want to go climb a big rock and bask in the sun for hours and leave when the sun goes down...

summers have evolved from the best time you could ever have while making some money...to an eternal drain that makes me wish school was back in session, cause at least that makes me feel somewhat normal.

thank God ill be home in three weeks.

back&forth