there are some things that you want all your friends to know....like, when i get depressed, really depressed where i can actually feel it...i listen to tori amos, usually "under the pink" it was the cd i listened to most, during my parent's divorce and it's whats holding me up today...i couldn't explain it, its just comforting, i usually use ani difranco for that, but for some reason, its always tori...who i discovered before ani and i'm certain it has something to do with my incessant need to think that i am younger than i actually am....

in these passing years, it becomes harder to feel your age, to really wrap your head around it, because at 23 you don't remember half your life, you can usually remember the last 10 years, but the years before that are one big mindless blur of eating, playing, going to school and learning about the world...

now that i feel i've mastered such things as walking, feeding myself and holding down a job, finishing school...what is left to master?

i was staring at these women who were shopping at the store i work at, and they seemed numb, sucked in through the lights and the glitter of glass that surrounded them...and i thought, i hope i don't waste my life staring at stuff, just so that i can pay for it and then stare at it at home....

i could be one of them, hopelessly married and looking for my second father through my husband and ultimately Jesus Christ.

and my biggest hope is that they (these Christian women shopping in my store) don't go home and vote.

while my biggest hope for me is that i'm not as outwardly rude as i am inside myself...and that i can make it to 6pm.

for these reasons, i cannot work at that store forever. it makes me depressed, because if you didn't know this already, this is what retail does to people...the bright lights and the aisles of shit...open 24 hours a day...

it makes them depressed...and then they eat...and become overweight...and go back to the store for more...

i need a drink.

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