there are things in my life that i refuse to let go unnoticed...

like eric (charles) leaving, like watching (listening to myself) let someone go...

like the fact that i've holed up here in this house, like it's the only place i can go....and its the only place i don't want to be, at least to relax, in any case.

so, i've been watching marathons, knowing nothing good is on television, knowing it is (and jessica simpson) are rotting my brain of all the knowledge i have left...

but i've also managed to hold onto these certain feelings that i can't shake...like that feeling of being alive around another person, hangin on their every word and fighting to hang on a little longer, even after my heart says no more...

it makes me breathless, my entire begging for more, more stimulation, more of you!...wanting to be that for myself....not believing in soulmates anymore, because whenever i find one it doesn't work out, refusing to just get into a relationship for the sake of being coupled, enjoying being around someone (even in our drunkest moments of weakness)

ridiculous conversations about the fact that i can't speak to anyone or won't speak to the people i used to speak too...understanding that people DO leave. people WILL leave. and no amount of maintanence, hissy fits, or pure emotional outpouring will stop it from happening.

i don't want this to be easy. i just don't want to drown my sorrows in any bottle of beer or any tv marathons...i want to work it out through me.

this is why next week will be full of 2 a days and job searchs...

back&forth