oh the chill continues....

there is no heat in this mutherfucker...and i'm silly enough to think it might warm up in the afternoon...

but i seriousely doubt it.

onto the real subject for this entry, however.

although i've been going through a complete and utter reintensification in the realm of my entire life. which means to say, i'm busier than ever, engaged as ever and my mind is working at the same time, which is what leads to these explosions...that hopefully will lead to better papers and a better future for me in the long run...

but.

relationships in my own little realm seem to metaphorically work as i did at the party saturday night.

it seemed i had a three minute staying point with folks, at parties i like to move around, instead of just staying with the people i know. i want to see what's going on in all directions before i choose one to stay in and normally i never stay...that's just how i am.

but it seems that in actual relationships i've done this as well...stayed long enough to get what i need out of it and in a short enough time where i don't get too involved.

however, all the real relationships in my life, it doesn't work this way. i'm in it for the long run. but the thing about it is, i've had too, with good reason let go of a lot of my own control issues with people, especially men. and when i get stupid is usually when i've lost some part of control over something that i feel like i needed in order to feel complete.

and why i write these rants is to try and gain some clarity as to why i can't just let a few things and a few people go into their own realm of complete and utter bliss, regardless of whether i'm involved or not.

the reason why this is important is because we all have a limited amount of time on this earth and i don't want to spend that time creating unecessary drama for anyone, which means to say that i will use my energies for good, hopefully, instead of evil.

i call it evil, cause at times, i have done things with malicious intentions, for my own personal gain, who hasn't? probably a few people...but as i said, we all got this amount of time and it would be nice for it to be a pleasant trip most of the way....

and the reasons why i don't get involved with certain people has a lot to do with selfish reasons, i don't want to make someone feel better 90% of the time, while i got my own needs and i've had too many people drain the shit out of me when i needed the same attention i was giving to them...

but i'm also tempted to say that i what i'm holding onto isn't anything...

and i'm okay with that fact.

because relationships will always change, end, and start again. and thats the only thing i can count on. and that is something to believe in.

but all this is just stemming from a small point in my day whereas if i had not happened, i might not be sitting here.

that's what i call a little bit of fate.

back&forth