so here i am at work, really wanting to write some things down, got my metaphorical pen in hand and i have yet to find the words to describe what is going on in my brain.

i find that very important moments in life are hardly noticed until it's long gone...

it's hard to stay in the moment, while reflecting, so we do it later, people need to reflect or they simply die, we need memories to stay alive, maintain sanity and even then some of us have trouble handling the journey that a memory may take us on...

i have these friends who, for better or worse, helped shape the person i am today. they are old friends, who haved moved their lives in directions that i could never take. such as marriage, settling down, plans, paths, charts concerning children. these are things i am unable to do at the moment. frankly, i'd rather sit in the bar with a beer and a friend and discuss whatever than give that up....

now what i want is a career worth mentioning, an outside life worth mentioning and the time to travel in between to visit the friends that i love. because it turns out that really, REALLY, we have nothing in common, hardly the same values, hardly the same ideas on religion, and hardly the same instances in life (education, goals, etc) the only thing we have in common is that we stared (in some cases, quite literally) at each other for about 6 years in order to make it through some of the most selfish times in our lives, realizing that there is no way in hell that we are able to exist as a unit without outside support.

and this is one of the final chapters i feel in our saga as friends. as i sat last night at a table full of them, realizing, "these people don't really listen, or understand" but they do offer a kind eye, a kind word, as we continue to fight for the spotlight...in turns out we're all attention junkies.

and the thing is...

i have my life. and i love my life.

i will not tolerate being judged for my life. and for the most part, i don't think i am.

i am a well rounded individual, i drink, smoke, curse, but i call people back and i give them my full attention when they are speaking to me, (in any capacity) i genuinely care for their well being, i would never tell you that your religion is necessarily stupid (unless it was completely close-minded and then i might get a little more argumentative), i don't care about 401k's, what people make, what people have, or generally what they do, (for the most part) and i'm not perfect by far. i am a complicated woman with ridiculously high standards, but that's me, take it or leave it.

sometimes i have an attitude problem, sometimes i'm in a bad mood, sometimes i hate or am jealous or forget that i am not the only person on earth, but these things will always be a constant battle and not one that i can ultimately fix at any given moment.

(i am also consistently wordy)

so here's the skinny.

last night, i was a little uncomfortable for awhile, because these people judge me for whatever reason and even though i pretty much am compliant to what they ask of me, i always give too much and last night i did not, because i had nothing on the table. i felt as good as i did yesterday as i do today, which means, for once, EVER, the affect of hanging out with my old friends is in now way debilitating or traumatic or even the best thing that could have happened on a tuesday.

but it was just fine. almost normal.

and simultaneously pleasant.

odd. really. odd.

ms. scatterbrained is signin' off.

back&forth