i have watched in the past 3 days an extravagant amount of sex in the city, i call this tv watching, more or less research, because i want nothing more than to teach a class on the subject, of what is it about this fucking show that makes me want to talk like this...and be in my head, like our dear friend carrie. but what it does to me more is realize the flaws in this not so elaborate, mostly fluff tv show about women in manhattan. because it does something to me, its like a drug, it makes me think that my life as a single person, or relatively single as i should say, is okay...feels good, in the world of couples. which is my world.

am i just lonely for couplehood? or am i just realizing it isn't what i want, and i'm scared to admit even i could fall and say yes if the right person comes along (gasp, cough, gasp).

its not that i see marriage as all bad, its just that i see it as not all together good. and therefore am unwilling to take the bad with the good that would come along with it.

so what is happening in my life is that i'm really forcing myself to be independent, on my own, no one to fall back on emotionally, which is my biggest weakness.

my palms are sweating just thinking about it.

but maybe there's just not enough in my life that makes me feel good, like getting up is important, like this is what i'm here for...and maybe that is all about to change, but i find the here and right now a little hard to grasp, especially when it comes to myself.

i'm developing neuroses that were never a problem before, i get obsessed daily with things that were never issues and i fill my time, sometimes, with fluff that i can't shake, because as i see it in this day and age, if you're not "coupled" or on your way at this age 2fucking3 than, you might as well be 35, and still trying to live the rock star lifestyle...as they do on sex and the city.

nothing changes and everything changes.

what this really amounts to however is a bright overanalyzation of the fact that dating is a scary, bullshit thing that sometimes leads to longterm realities and i'm not sure there's anymore room in my life for someone that's not myself. or isn't someone i've already met, which sounds and IS selfish, which leads me to the other moment, of "what if there really isn't anyone out there who is worth meeting!!!" (which is also not true, at all), which leads me too, i'm obviousely not ready to move forward from this strange hole i've got myself into.

so rambling aside, if i wasn't sitting in married central, i'm sure this wouldn't be happening.

back&forth