to the few people who actually still read this diary, now that i have closed it, i guess its apparent that there are some things in my life that i just don't feel like sharing with the world.

especially at a time in my life where i seem to have so little to be proud of, and i think that is part of the problem, i have no driving issues, outside my completely disconnected white society i function in, or rather inside, i should say, the same society i am supposed to embrace, middleclass, white, suburbia, alienates me to the point of pure disgust at times which is taken out on random clients of chain restaurants...not to their face, but in my mind or in my conversations, as i sit there acting like an imbecile because they are exactly what their society has created, the same sick society that created me...

it is to create the disillusioned and the apathetic, to the point where we have to medicate ourselves with drugs and alcohol to push even further into our state of nonchalance...

because when we are under the influence, we are not responsible for the ills of the world...

why put off what we can do today until tommorrow? because we can, its easy...

unfortunately or rather fortunately, i have time on my hands, until i start my class or get a job that pays with better hours, which leaves time for me to think about these issues, what's been on my mind more than anything lately is: race.

how i, as a white woman, functions, as opposed to a black woman, our differences, our concerns, what i let go, and what i expect.

i am also faced with a small community of people who are ignoring their exploding hispanic population and i can say i do the same...which hurts and i don't know where to start because the Christians think they can acknowledge them by making them love jesus, and the horse owners are happy because they get cheap labor and the state is happy because wofo is growing and creating revenue, but the gap between the rich and the poor white people and then the gap between the poor white people and the minorities is growing, these are completely seperate problems, in my opinion and most of the time i'm so stumped at what the root is...

and i always get to the same answer, racism, classism, the government, social programs...

but there is no real solution, nothing tangible, once again money solves nothing in this equation and a part of me thinks, we're going to blow ourselves up eventually, why bother...

except, i can't think about valentine's day, because i'm too busy worried about recycling, trash on the roads, and driving too much because i'm bored, or eating too much because my mind doesn't shut off...

or leaving the lights on, when i've been educated as to why thats a bad idea...or the fact that my brother isn't even registered to vote...

and the fact that i don't know if everyone i know is...and i think why haven't i done this before, but its almost like asking people to do an aids test, you have to bug people, they dont' want to go, but with voting there is no life and death situation for most of us...

but there is in Iraq. and there is in poor america and there is in Israel and there is in Africa, and Nicaragua, and Mexico, and Asia....

anywhere else, people love to vote.

but here it's a joke and if a candidate does botox, he may not win (but its on the news) does anyone know how he feels any social issue at all, with the exception of gay marriage?

this is quite a rant.

my head has been full for days.

excuse the mess.

back&forth