it is very apparent that i need to write something down, but its been difficult for me to communicate with myself lately, let alone a computer screen.
because i need a life jacket. i'm drowning in my own shit.

depression has creeped up on me again, and i'm just trying to stay afloat...and maybe she was right when she said i wasn't in a crisis, but i feel like i am, i feel like i need to just sleep until its all just okay again. and hopefully whatever it is will just go away.

because here's the thing of it. i have a job, an apartment, friends, plenty of things to do, interests, yoga, and i'm just not interested in any of it anymore. i just want to do nothing.
and it just scares me because i always end up at the same conclusion, i am physically out of it and mentally i can't force myself to do it. its like i can only do the bare minimum and there's no way for me to describe it to anyone, because everyone else is caught up in their own shit and i'm the only person that can throw me a lifeline and i've just lost sight of where it went...

and the fucked up part of it, is that i'm smart enough to know exactly what it is and i have no way to fix it, i can't just go up in my brain and remove the fucking part that is keeping me at this level...
so here are my options:

therapy, which i went to last week and pay 10$ a week to try and get over this shit (until my insurance runs out)
drugs, which she recommended as long as i do therapy too.
stop taking the patch, because maybe thats just making it worse or its the cause in the first place. which means my body is sensitive as shit and i just fucking wish i could not be this way.
chalk it up to pms, and my period and try not to kill anyone or sleep too much.
i just don't want to say its nothing, because its part of it is simple, some of my favorite people don't even live in this state and i hardly ever get to talk to them or even see them, and it's really hard to turn everyday friendships into long distance relationships without losing something and plus, i don't have the money to take off whenever i want and go and see them and neither do they, or we'd be burning up the sky...
shit, i have to work 2 jobs at least, to just stay afloat...and it takes up alot of my fucking time, to get paid shit and not really get anywhere...*and if i hear, you say one more, time, well you did it to yourself, i'd like for you to show me all these other options, that wouldn't make me a corporate whore (and yes, i realize in essence, i work for a corporation and you can't get away from it, but its not fucking walmart or any fucking big ass business that is using small children as labor)*

i go between totally pissed and then to the fact that i just don't care and this is where i float in between.

i'm also totally paranoid now about eating and weight and what fits and what doesn't. which has become my obsession and which i totally hate, because i figured out, for once, that its not what i eat, its how much, i actually eat pretty well, no red meat, no pork (rarely), hardly any chicken, lots of fish, and vegetables, salads, i fucking love bread, and sushi...
i just always have to watch how much, and thats the hard part. because i could easily slip up again, because now i have this separate problem eating at my brain...

in other news, for some reason, john mayer can do no wrong in my book, and if john fucking kerry doesn't win this fucking election, i just don't know what i'll do (or rather, i don't know what the poor in america and those who live in iraq and those all over the world will do)....trust me, part of my depression is political, i don't even like john kerry, he's a war monger too, and rich and white and simply not bush...

i just need to look at some eyes that understand and know what my eyes are going through...

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