i've never thought of myself as a complete jackass until now.

i just went to a wedding shower and pretty much sat in the back with my friends, while we entertained ourselves with sarcastic banter.

so, what's the deal?

are we afraid to be happy for someone, are we tired of realizing that other people do find that supposed happiness with someone else for the rest of their lives, etc, etc, etc.

or do we just actually understand that all of this wedding stuff is really a dream like reality until the two actually move into together and have their first fight about who puts the dishes away and who fed the dog last.

who wants domesticity anyhow.

america seems to be built on the fact that our life goal is supposed to be finding our "true love," marrying them asap, and then having children. creating a "family".

but what is a family?

the nuclear family doesn't work in my life. and i'm not sure if it works at all.

i don't have that. i'll never have that. probably not even if i find someone that i might want to hold onto more than 10 minutes.

just because i'm graduating from college has no bearing on whether or not i should move onto family realm.

all that has its place.

am i growing bitter? or is this my reality?

the reality i have chosen to assume my day to day.

this is what i really want.

people who i can be around at any time of the day to have good conversations, over good food and tons of laughter.

i want to feel comfortable in my surrroundings whether i'm in the city or the country and i want to be content with the decisions i have made to end up whereever i end up.

all this bullshit about i have to be this and i have to do that, just adds up to unwanted stress, when i know that it will all just play out the way that it will. i'll make some decisions and others will be made for me in their own way.

it's just the nature of the beast.

so i don't think our banter in the back of the shower was out of character or even rude.

i'm happy for the couple. and i love the bride dearly. we're just on a different path.

i do what i do.

and i find myself content with the people in my life and who i have surrounded myself with, fully knowing, that the time i have is actually very short. and every moment, even those spent on diaryland are an important part of my journey.

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